way too fucking much

you are in my head, way too much.

i can't get all of the negative bar fight situations out of my head.

i need to move on and move past it.

i gave someone my phone.

for $45 which is 30 less then anything else, but she is my friend and i was half in the bag.

i know that i can find friends, i know that i can be strong, i know that i can learn everything...

so weirded out

everyday i find a way to make myself feel like shit.

every moment i find a way to feel uncomfortable.

all the time i feel like a stranger in my own head.

i need help.

i think i might need to seek professional help.

i feel like my wrists have handcuffs on them.

i feel like my heart is skipping a beat.

i feel like i get tired.

i feel like this is nonsense.

i feel like i have become nonsensical.

i feel like i have no friends.

i know i have no friends.

i have no friends.

i am lonely, i constantly remind myself of the altercation that took place, i am free, free from it...based on what i needed in order to feel better about myself...

he did not want to allow me to feel good at all, i guess he never wanted me to feel good...what he didn't realize was that what would fuel me...

enter into the darkness you find a certain path, a path that leads to humor, no self doubt, no nothing...you are trapped in the box.

the box that provides you with the creative energy needed to explore other avenues of entertainment.

you are nothing. yet, i continuously write about you. all of you.

you tortured me, you made me look like a fool, you embarassed me.

you are horrible. you are weak. you are lame. you are useless.

you are single. you are sick. you have vertigo.

you have no place to dwell. you have nothing.

you have no idea who i am. and you have no idea what i am capable of.

you have no idea what lends its hand towards.

i am what i am. you are what you are.

surprise suckers. you didn't take anything. i gave you the mirage...

that is my best kept secret.

argh do i hate school

i hate school, i hate linguistics, i hate biology, i hate having an extra online class.

i hate everything, i hate everything about everything.

i hate that my room is a disgusting mess.

i hate that my body has gotten overweight to a point where it doesn't need to go.

i hate that i had several altercations in my life that lead me to not want to be around anybody.

i hate everyone around me. i hate everything going around.

i do not know what i want to do with my life and that creates the most anger, i wish that i found something funny...i am not young enough for the younger generation, and i am not old enough...for the people that i would of enjoyed more then others. i do not know anymore, what is right, and what is wrong. i want to find a way to figure something out because that is the only way for me to move forward.

i wish i could figure something out that would make sense than i would be doing it, if i wanted to do marketing, i would be branding something. i should do something in sales, but part of me questions if i want to even do anything that offers a business vibe. maybe it is time to be a grown up. but what does that entail? what does it entail when yo

u worry about other people consistently?

a nutcase. why did i only hangout with nutcase freaks? or simple people? why didn't i choose to hangout with people that were interesting and that would provide good value as my friend?

now i am almost friendless, no best friends, no life, no love.

no work, no passion, nothing.

i feel that this blog is getting stupid, i feel everything is getting lame. idk what to do anymore, i have no idea, there are no questions needed to be answered, so i have to figure everything out.

comedian is no longer my dream. is writing. what creative avenue could you want to be apart of? WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT!!!!!!!!!

please i need help, i need to know what i am meant to do...i need to know. should i just do sales? Real Estate is probably what I am meant to do, otherwise i just have no idea. no idea what so ever.

soooo....

have u ever gotten a glimpse of your future?
has someone ever told u that the possibilities are endless for you?

that you were capable, of doing some great things...

i hated them, i hated them so fucking much that i hoped that they got run over by a mother fucking tractor blasting fucking bon jovi...because they needed to be shot with the heart of the 80's

they were so annoying, non stop recognition for apparently what was modern, but they didn't even know wtf was modern at all...they were quick to be focused in their own arrangment of rearranged facts...i could not deal with their bullshit, why were they acting the way that they were?

they had nothing giving the the step that they had placed themselves on...and then they thought that they were helping you...maybe they were, i can't blame them for what they did it turned out that they were good people after all, i knew i couldn't hate them for some reason...there was definitely a part of me that hated all of them...

commonly you would think that this was my butt, but it wasn't...i started to think that that is what they would say, but it wasn't...i think it was a sweet sensitive side to me....that doesn't help things..
idk, what it was? would anyone believe me even if i suggested it wasn't my butt...

idk my butt should stay out of this dialogue with a keyboard. but idk butt.

you begin to move forward and you start to wonder, why are you wondering. you begin to question what you are not doing...instead of what you could be doing. right now, i'm still avoiding this paragraph by still reevaluating what my butt has to do with anything...i have a constant need to agaonize over this. idk why...but i do appreciate it.

without a baby daddy....who are you?

eye know something.

i know that i grow increasingly more bored, but don't wanta stop.

grab the dancing shoes.

when did life become so simple?

so that's what it was, people making things simple.

that sucks. how can someone of your 'calibur' be so easily fucked with?

why would u not engage...



who the fuck careS?

it's time to hit the gym.
i need to start working.
and.
become.
something worthwhile.


what is that? should i study film? asian balls.

they are just annoying. and in actuality they are dorks.

i guess i was a popular kid. either way, what does it matter?

everyone wants an adventure...

we are all looking for an adventure, to be exposed to an adrenaline filled journey that never seems to end. some turn to their careers to fulfill their sense of adventure, others hold off on the big step and use their young moments to capitalize on their energy.

where do you fall? are you standing at your job consistently texting robots on AIM for information that does not provide you with shit. or are you walking your fingertips upon the same carabeener that you start to think is lucky, but in reality you are in pittsburgh.

idk which prong of this fork is better, idk which one you will choose. I do know that both ways start to lead you into a place of expecting more. I want I want.


I want to live, and live freely.

where do i go?

how will i find my smarts again?

fuck them they are dirty skank ass bitches that should be shot and put to death.

do not talk or engage with anyone that is not worth your time and patience.

everyone should die and get shot and then get shot again.

they have negative karma.

they all have been dealt negative karma but so have i...well not really.

but LaGuardia doesn't challenge you and you are sooooooooo fucking over that school like no joke, at all. you almost hate that place hardcore status.

lol you need some new scenery, i think you need to drive. the train is a bitch and if you just work in the city...then you will be A-ok. hopefully it is a super busy store and it does not require you to fee like ass. 63rd drive made me feel really awkward, severly under appreciated and negative. the experience was very strange and i am happy to be moving forward.

fuck you 63rd.

i sort of need a new environment and new digs.

hey hey hey

i have evaluated the experience over and over again.

it was beyond fucked up a situation that nobody will ever understand.

i spent way too much time agonizing over it.

but accepting it, i can finally heal.

i was drunk.
i was emotional.
that's it. move on.

do you believe in it.

do i personally believe that he got the best of my anthony bourdain style of talking...

i sure hope not, because even after the effects...i was still fine, i still did mine...

because i had no sense of insecurity or negativity...

i need to find my inner peace...

i need to be back to me and what i have always done and been about...

meditation is key.

proper marijuana usage is important.

reading is essential.

you gotta come back to your senses...

you have to be yourself....

you were awesome and you will always be awesome, you have to go back to who you are...

life starts a new, and it is time to move on from what would and will be the worst experience of your life....your life.