dawn.

in the past year of my life i have gotten into 3 major fights that have led to my disbeilef and uncertainty...i do not understand anything anymore and i dont know why these conflicts are still plauging me...i really do not...

honestly it was because of me.

each conflict, i had my own doing, and i didn't listen to people and sacrifice myself to take anyone's help...i have to be willing to allow others to help in order for me to move forward in my own life.

i have put myself first in every situation and it has gotten me nowhere...i should still put myself first but take other's advice when i need it...

Don't be weird.

you should allow yourself the priveledge of allowing others to help you when you feel like you are failing.

right now i feel like i am failing which is ironic cause i have never done better in my personal life.

i feel like i am failing when i do not know what i want to do, and lead myself to alternative careers that i do not indulge in.

i dont want pressure. i want to be assertive but in a way that possesses my focus and that i entertain...

you begin to rationalize irrational behavior and it leads to a whole pile of nadaaa...

i should of left the situation with class being i should of chilled and became friends with them...at least i would say i have a few more buddies then i do have now...i regret being a dick to them because i lost out on friends that could have become real frienships...

i should of not drank so much and played with so many peoples feelings that night, it led to a reawakening of the night that caused me so much pain...that has never ceased to amaze me that i put myself thru that....

i should have never continued the friendship with that girl that hurt me during that night...attacked me and was a cruel bitch...why did i allow myself to act like such a jerk in order to gain attention...it was not that serious....and you were alone , you should of been smarter you should have called the cops...

after all was said and done....i left a potential group of friends, i left a possible relationship, and i ruined my 22nd birthday....

these things happend and were real but it doesn't mean i have to live with them....everyday on my mind ruining me...


now i work for a company that i appreciate because it brings in money that i do deserve and have always wanted...and i am good at it...i perservered when everyone was making fun of me and treating me like garbage...
they didn't like me from the start and i dont know why...why do i rub people the wrong way...

i have gained weight, i have sort of let myself go...i have not quit my job instead i triumphed in my sales and has led me to a certain status...i am a new man and a new person....

but i want my physical to reflect my internal...i move forward with an associates degreee...and on to the next...