dawn.

in the past year of my life i have gotten into 3 major fights that have led to my disbeilef and uncertainty...i do not understand anything anymore and i dont know why these conflicts are still plauging me...i really do not...

honestly it was because of me.

each conflict, i had my own doing, and i didn't listen to people and sacrifice myself to take anyone's help...i have to be willing to allow others to help in order for me to move forward in my own life.

i have put myself first in every situation and it has gotten me nowhere...i should still put myself first but take other's advice when i need it...

Don't be weird.

you should allow yourself the priveledge of allowing others to help you when you feel like you are failing.

right now i feel like i am failing which is ironic cause i have never done better in my personal life.

i feel like i am failing when i do not know what i want to do, and lead myself to alternative careers that i do not indulge in.

i dont want pressure. i want to be assertive but in a way that possesses my focus and that i entertain...

you begin to rationalize irrational behavior and it leads to a whole pile of nadaaa...

i should of left the situation with class being i should of chilled and became friends with them...at least i would say i have a few more buddies then i do have now...i regret being a dick to them because i lost out on friends that could have become real frienships...

i should of not drank so much and played with so many peoples feelings that night, it led to a reawakening of the night that caused me so much pain...that has never ceased to amaze me that i put myself thru that....

i should have never continued the friendship with that girl that hurt me during that night...attacked me and was a cruel bitch...why did i allow myself to act like such a jerk in order to gain attention...it was not that serious....and you were alone , you should of been smarter you should have called the cops...

after all was said and done....i left a potential group of friends, i left a possible relationship, and i ruined my 22nd birthday....

these things happend and were real but it doesn't mean i have to live with them....everyday on my mind ruining me...


now i work for a company that i appreciate because it brings in money that i do deserve and have always wanted...and i am good at it...i perservered when everyone was making fun of me and treating me like garbage...
they didn't like me from the start and i dont know why...why do i rub people the wrong way...

i have gained weight, i have sort of let myself go...i have not quit my job instead i triumphed in my sales and has led me to a certain status...i am a new man and a new person....

but i want my physical to reflect my internal...i move forward with an associates degreee...and on to the next...

A month later...

A month has passed me by...i still wake up with thoughts of this crucial experience...unfortunately this shit isn't fucking crucial at all...it's a lame ass piece of donkey dookie...i appreciate aliteration....

HOWEVER! what has happened to my universe? everyday ....every fucking day!!! i wake up with this thought...get it the fuck out of my system! i can not take this trite no mo' ...i am so tired of this biznatch crap....forealsies...on some real.

I have a tendency to vent with the persona of a ghetto bitch...what can i say? i is from the hood. but seriously speaking wtf. man wtf!

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUDe~ that's what it was. i swear it was...that was freakin it.!!!! the stupid e the dumbass e the mother fucking e. i did it all because of the e? how can you do E? wait i dont even understand that question.













ok i am done. my life is all over the place...i am going over my mind trying to convince myself what the fuck i am supposed to do with myself? even if i try and pursue certain things...people copy you! what the hell is that about...you can not do your own thing? but it is okay...people try and hold me back....ALL THE TIME!

what is with all the haters? i think i found my next topic...

Mother fuckin hateration!

Finally an end in this beginning...

I chose to write a blog in order to express the constant thoughts that possess my focus--where has all the attention gone? People assume that this sort of style of thinking is a casual side effect of attention deficit disorder...I agree.

In reality what i really want to talk about is what the fuck pisses me off....what the hell is there left to do in new york city? other than drink yourself to a drunken stuper where a casual illusion can be considered a fun exciting night...boooooooo fucking lame...is what is...

I have not had a fun night in new york city in the longest time...you go to a bar, you sit down, you ingest alcohol that slowly mutiliates your blood cells and subsequently violates your blood stream in order to behave in a weakened state of being....what am i saying? i do love drinking.

Shouldn't drinking lead to some sort of elevated thought process....a creative discovery...anything worthwhile...perhaps something that resembles...some noble character? Or does everyone just engage in drunk deboccery and pretend that this is life? is it really?

is that all that it is...even a casual hangout...isn't so casual? casual leads to boredom and boredom leads to helplessness...are you the chosen one? led to lead people into a promising thought that will eventually blossom into timeless moments...

or are you the one engaged beyond your own control in order to satisfy some hunger to feel adequate...some underlying quality inhibits the truth that at one point possessed you...you become lost in your own consciousness...how can you live with a filter? a filter made up of a series of manifested thought processes that have no control over one another...for they are co dependent.....

your relation to your experiences have led you to grow accostomed to your own pre existing qualities...only a rebel can rebel against himself...he can see the situational basis for everything surrounding him...the epicenter of conflict...and the emotional attachment that governs the encounter...

people can make you laugh and people can be a support system...but there are certain people that will never fulfill the same quality or challenge the truth out of everyone...there is no light in intellectuals...because intellectuals are not bright. brightness is an inherent component of the mentality...you can be smart but your mentality is deficient...

your mentatlity breeds no complex thinking...yet you continuously criticize the thoughts of others....there is nothing critical about criticizing...one after the other each man fell in his attempts to prevent me....however it took a group of 6 to bring me down...and the only thing that challenged me was the emotional consequences of my actions...and now i deal with this torture of a terrible thought processs....

screaming telling myself to stop thinking about a silly experience that perhaps challenged me to no wit's end...i would never allow myself to be taken advantage of yet i chose to go through the process of torture in order to make myself stronger or perhaps engage myself in some way that would alter my thought process ....however the experience didn't change me...it just dissapointed me...it was not as if the people were not worthy however the situation was not palpable...it has become a trivialized action....

the intention was present in order to make myself stronger and thus has garnered me into thinking on a whole new level...a more adult level...that is highly more passionate and engaging with society, politics, and discovery....allowing myself to be fullfilled within a social institution in order to grace the world with my presence....taking on a random slighly hipster society has elevated my thought process in being able to embrace the exchange....

should everyone care about this....? no. but who the fuck cares at this point...at this point...we should...just all engage in ourselves to develop a greater being...human mind is stronger than any weapon....and the weapon is stronger when engaged.